Verbal & Emotional Abuse

Verbal and emotional abuse are forms of abuse. They do harm. They can’t be simply dismissed with slogans such as “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you.” or “It’s only your feelings that got hurt.”

Techniques of Emotional Abuse

(from Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, G. L. Jantz)

1. Emotional Abuse through Words

  1. The Overbearing Opinion–Another person refuses to consider your opinion and forces you to always accept his or here.
  2. The Person Who is Always Right–Whenever there is a disagreement of any sort, this person always has to be right and have the last say.
  3. The Judge and Jury–The person who incorporates harsh judgments of you as a person or your behavior as a way to produce personal shame and guilt.
  4. The Put-Down Artist–The person who uses comments like “You’re crazy! How could anyone think such a stupid thing?” to devalue your decisions and feelings.
  5. The Stand-Up Comic–The person whose use of sarcasm is meant to dig up past issues, drive home a point of view, or belittle you as an individual.
  6. The Great Guilt-Giver–This person uses unrealistic and undeserved false guilt to control your behavior.
  7. The Historian–The person who tells you you’re forgiven but then proceeds to bring up over and over again every past issue to shame you into accepting his or her decisions and feelings.

2. Emotional Abuse Through Actions

  1. The Commander-in-Chief–The person who desires to control every aspect of your life from your thoughts to your actions by rigid, militaristic behavior and espectations.
  2. The Screamer–This is the person who uses screaming, yelling, and name-calling as weaons to control you.
  3. The Intimidator–Intimidation, fear, anger, and inappropriate threats are used by this person to get his or her way.
  4. The Roller-Coaster–This person’s moods and behavior swing from one extreme to another, removing any sense of safety and consistency from your relationship.
  5. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde–There is a public persona and a private persona that are distinctly different from each other, with the public person using a false front to mask his or her true nature.
  6. The Person Who Plays Favorites–This person displays the “Why can’t you be more like…?” favoritism, making it clear that you do not measure up to the other child.
  7. The Role Reverser–Relational roles become confused and reversed, with the parent taking the role of child, the child assuming the responsibilities of the parent, or the child being put in the role of the emotional spouse.
  8. The Wrath of God–The person who misuses Scripture to get his or her own way and who equates his or her own opinion with that of God.

3. Emotional Abuse Through Indifference

  1. The M.I.A. Parent–A parent physically removed himself or herself from any interaction in your life.
  2. The Absent Caregiver–A parent removes himself or herself emotionally from interaction in your life.

Techniques of the Verbal Abuser

(from Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out On Relationship and Recovery by Patricia Evans)

  1. Withholding—-”By withholding, the verbal abuser is saying, I’ve got something you want and I can withhold it from you. Therefore, I am in control. Or, If I don’t respond, if I refuse to answer, I can control the outcome, that is, I can maintain the status quo. I can be sure that there will be no change. I don’t have to ask. I don’t say “no.” I don’t have to say “yes.” I don’t have to be vulnerable. I can stay in control and therefore risk nothing.”
  2. Countering—-”By countering his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I can think for both of us. What you think is wrong. What I think is right. If I can get you to doubt yourself, I can control you more easily. “
  3. Discounting—-”By discounting his partner’s perceptions, the verbal abuser is saying, I can decree the worthlessness of your perceptions and actions. I am not accountable. I can stay in control.”
  4. “Joking,” “Teasing”—-”By telling his partner that the abuse is only a joke, the verbal abuser is saying, I feel so up putting you down that I never want to give it up, so I decree that my comments are humorous – I’m in control. I can say what I want.”
  5. Blocking and diverting—-”By thwarting his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I do not accept any responsibility to respond to you as a rational person, so I can change the conservation at will -I am in control.”
  6. Accusing and blaming—-”By blaming his partner for his abuse of her, the verbal abuser is saying, You are to blame for your pain and for everything I say or do to you and for everything that isn’t the way I want it to be , so I do not have to stop my behavior. I’m in control.”
  7. Judging and criticizing—-”By judging and criticizing his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I tell you what is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you and therefore in control of you.”
  8. Trivializing—-”By pretending that his partner, or her actions or perceptions or opinions or thoughts or concerns, are less than they are, the verbal abuser is saying, When you see how insignificant you are, I will have more power over you.”
  9. Undermining—-”By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control.”
  10. Threatening—-”With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have Power Over you. I am in control. Do as I say. If you don’t, I’ll . . ., or if you don’t, you might get hurt – implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall.”
  11. Name calling—-”By calling names, the abuser is saying, You do not exist. You are annihilated, you are now BLANK. Now that you are wiped out, I’m in control, just like in a war.”
  12. Forgetting—-”When the abuser regularly forgets appointments, agreements and/or incidents, he is saying, I’m in control of your time, energy, or reality and I don’t have to be accountable because I’m in control.”
  13. Ordering and demanding—-”With these direct displays of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have a right to assert Power Over you in an overt act of control. If all the other intimidating behaviors achieved my goal, you will do as I demand.”
  14. Denial—-”By denying all of his abusive behavior, the abuser is saying, I can keep everything exactly as it is, with you under my control, and I will not be held accountable.”
  15. Abusive Anger—-”By being abusively angry, the abuser is saying, As long as I am scary and threatening to you I can have my way.”

Related Issues

Verbal Abuse in School. See Psychological Abuse in the Voice Studio: Feeding Empty Egos by David L. Jones. An interesting perspective for educators.

Emotional Abuse in the Classroom: Implications and Interventions for Counselors.Preview By: McEachern, Adriana G.; Aluede, Oyaziwo; Kenny, Maureen C.. Journal of Counseling & Development, Winter2008, Vol. 86 Issue 1, p3-10, 8p; (AN 28512765)

Verbal Abuse in Therapy. See Verbal and Emotional Abuse in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis How do you distinguish between an emotional abuse in theraputic settings and the unavoidable emotional turmoil that is part of therapy?

Resources

Books:

  1. Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, Holbrook, Ma. Bob Adams, Inc. 1992
  2. Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery By
  3. Patricia Evans, Teen Torment: Overcoming verbal abuse at home and school.
  4. Gregory L. Jantz, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse
  5. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. Perennial Currents, 1998.
  6. Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life (Wilshire Book Company, 2000)
  7. Beverly Engel. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (Random House, 1992)

Links:

  1. Homepage of Patricia Evans. Lots of good info in addition to marketing for her books and seminars.
  2. Emotional Abuse: the hidden form of maltreatment, Adam M Tomison and Joe Tucci
  3. Growing Beyond Emotional Abuse

BIBLICAL TEXTS OF NOTE:

  1. “Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man.”
    Proverbs 22:24
  2. “An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.”
    Proverbs 29:22

42 Responses to “Verbal & Emotional Abuse”

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  1. Teresa says:

    Wow, I’m not religious, but this is one of the best websites I have read. Very interesting recommendations and right on with illuminating abuse. Thank you!

  2. nikki says:

    I am a survivor not a victim I refuse to be one anymore. My babys father abandon me the night I almost died having his baby. I was 27 weeks pregnant and had preeclampsia and was going into toxemia. He refuse to take me to the hospital and refuse to come get me if there was nothing wrong and I needed to get home. He has bronchitis and therefore he was more important. He came up to see the baby and when he found out I refue to give the baby his last name he threatned to kill me, and he said his father hated me too. This while I was three days post operation and still in unstable condition. I have live with this man seven years and this was the last straw. Our last baby died of SIDS in September and for the last seven months he toutered me verbally because of his anger. He never once comfort me or held me. Our three other children are the real victims here. I ask him what he wants of this relationship he says he dont know. WEll I DO! I need peace. I canot worry that he is going to yell at me for mismatched socks, or if I was too tired to clean, or if he help with the kids so I could rest. He is a vile evil man who sees only himself and his family. He has shown no remorse and cause great deal of pain to my family and friends. He witholds affection and uses sex as a weapon. He would rather me starve if he work all day and it was a small meal. Two days after I had our baby girl I had to get up and go grocery shopping for him, then I got yell at because I bought more for the children and not him. I can go on and on. I wont and there will be no more. Once I am heal and strong this has to end. I cant let my kids live like this no more and he cannot get away with his evil things anymore….

    • Cindy Grimes says:

      Thank you for addressing this issue.
      It’s true–the bullies want the public to believe that this type of abuse is harmless.
      But they only do it, to avoid getting into trouble, for doing the physical violence.
      My personal experience, is that it can destroy your health, certainly your mental health. It isolates you, destroys your reputation in the community, and severs relationships.
      These people are destroyers, and I wish they could be exposed for the monsters that they are. Unfortunately, they also excel in manipulating others’ perceptions of them, and manage to cover up their crimes.
      Denigrating their victim(s) helps in that regard, by discrediting them to any would-be supporters, just when they need them the most.
      Talk about religion! “The—roams about like a ravenous lion, seeking whom it may devour!”
      Defeating them is daunting, but in a way, everyone has to do battle with these terrorists on a daily basis.
      That should not be though in a just society.
      This is everyone’s battle.
      Thank you again.

    • claudia says:

      Poor you.You had a horrible life with this man around you.I can’t think how your children feelings were about their dad.Fare play to you for leaving him.You are a great mother and women and you do deserve more from this life.I’m a student psychologist,and I was looking for some ideas for my project about verbal abuse,so that’s why I came across your story.You are an absolutely brave women,so well done to you again.God knows how many womens are still in a situation like that in these days.Girls don’t give up.There are other mans in this world who can give you love and support,or if their ar not there is better to have a peacefull life.

  3. BJBorror says:

    My daughter and grandchildren are abused everyday. My daughter has a mental illness and if she is not on her medicine she does not think clearly. Some doctors think she is schizophrenic and others say she is majorly depressed and delusional. Either way she has a rough life. Her husband is an asshole. He yells at and curses her and the three kids everyday. He grew up in an abusive family and does not know that it is not normal. That is no excuse for my daughter and grandchildren to have to suffer everyday. It is not their fault that he had a bad childhood. He has put it in my daughters head that i am no good, That I don’t care about her and the kids. They deny him hitting them but there have been little things said that makes me wonder if they are just afraid to admit it to anyone. I am going to get the kids away from there and hope and pray that my daughter will follow them. Unfortunantly I can not force her to leave even though she is mentally unstable at this time. I have talked to some family preservation workers and they are going to try to help me get the ball rolling. I can not stand to see them suffer any longer. I have tried to talk to my daughter and her dead beat husband but I cant get them to understand what is happening to these kids, I am getting no where. My son-in-law is out of control. I also have very good reason to believe that he is doing a lot of drugs and that he fools around on my daughter but he has her so brain washed that unless I can get her away from him and keep her on her medicine and get some counseling I dont think I will be able to get her to understand. I feel like my hands are tied sometimes and it is driving me crazy. I know in my heart that once she is totally away from him and she gets her thoughts together and sees what he has been doing to her and the kids that she will never go back to him again. she was always a very good mother and put her kids ahead of everything else. since she has gotten sick she lives in her own little world part of the time and does not sem to notice what he is doing to them, how much he is hurting them. I know they are all afraid of him and it breaks my heart to see how they have to live. I am determined I will not give up until my daughter and those kids have a better (normal) life.

  4. tina says:

    Oh gosh, I have been emotionally abused for the past 5 years. I gave up on my marriage that I could have saved in hindsight, for my abuser too. My abuser was lovely at first. Most attentive. Bought me expensive presents, promised me the world – flowers, phone calls, texts, love……..then gradually the texts stopped coming, then he said he was too busy. But if I didn’t call him, he told me that I didn’t love him enough. He would then promise to come and visit, but would never turn up, leaving me sitting indoors all night wondering if he was coming or not.
    If I said I was going to go out, he would get arsy and snub me for days – so I was too scared to go out for fear of upsetting him. If he stayed with me, he would block my car in, so I could not get out in the morning if I needed to.
    He would keep his mobile phone on his person at all times. He told me I was not allowed to talk to my ex husband with regards our children and yet would blatently then tell me how he had been talking on the phone for 45 minutes to his ex.
    Almost every present I bought him he did not even bother to open. His christmas presents from a few years ago are still unopened. He never opened cards from me either until say the next day.
    When I had done some decorating that I was proud of, he would not even take a few seconds to have a look. When he did, later on, he belittled my work.
    He kept making promises that he would take me out, but failed to meet any of those promises.
    This summer I eventually got fed up as my children were also being let down, so I took my smallest lad camping for two nights (on the nights when my ‘man’ didn’t bother coming down anyway) and when I returned home and called him to let him know we were back safe and sound he accused me of going on holiday with another man. And he finished it there and then without my even being able to protest. He’s not answered his phone to me since. Im annoyed because he has had the last say, as per usual.
    My opinion never counted as I was not allowed to have one. If I ever wanted to talk about anything he would simply go to sleep on the sofa (or pretend to sleep)

    I was SO in love with this man……. and tolerated his behaviour all that time in the hope that he loved me back. I guess he didn’t and perhaps my going camping was a sign that he had lost control of me.

    I think about him though. After all such a controlling person has a huge affect on ones life. They take it over totally. He used to know exactly where I was – he would do nothing for me, and yet I would drop everything in an instant, to say, drive up to his house to walk his dog when he was at work…… when I asked him if he could take my dog out, you can guess what the answer was!?
    He never ever phoned me from his landline. Only ever his mobile too. So I never really knew where he was. Just trusted him.

    I can’t believe that his family let him do this, and can only feel sorry now for his ex girlfriend who has his daughter. He used to say she was mad and nasty. Well, if this is the way he treated her??? I was never allowed to talk to her or meet her – and in fact he kept me a secret from her until last year, when my children became friends with his daughter on facebook and they told her who they were!
    Still.

    At the very least I can talk with my ex husband again now!!! Who is nice and rather normal!

  5. mels says:

    I have only just plucked up the courage to end a 2 year long abusive relationship. It is tough as i still have emotional ties with the person in question who i also the father to my baby son.
    It all started in a very suttle way really, with negative comments made in ways of “jokes”… i did pay attention because i was too in love with him to want to see anything wrong with what was being said, although when i think back, it was quite clear that we had issues right from the beginning of our relationship. Then i began to feel left out of his life, being treated as the bit on the side: i would always make time for him but he wouldn’t. Again, i put it down to his busy work schedule (he is self-employed) and erratic time-table. Yet again…. making excuses for him to allow hurting my feelings on a regular basis and making me feel worthless… but i loved him still….
    Then came the pregnancy, during which he didn’t support me and left me to struggle; the birth which as we anticipated was very difficult… he went to eat and sleep instead of staying by my side and, we our baby finally ready to come home in broad winter and after 4 days in special care unit, he didn’t turn up to take us home…. he didn’t phone until 5 days later. I came home to a freezing cold flat, empty fridge and feeling the worst i could possibly feel.
    I took him back into my life because i was convinced that “I” big “I” could surely make it work! we now had a baby together and i wanted “it” to work so it had to. How much more could i be fooling myself????
    He came back of course (when he felt like having sex) and i just welcomed him each and everytime because i felt so happy to see my baby with his father…. i wanted the perfect picture, at all costs…. i felt that if i gave up on the relationship, i would be a failure for quitting….. and quitting is not something i do….
    He began to make me doubt myself in my own abilities as a mother, housekeeper, nothing i did was good enough, nothing i said was good enough, he even put words in my mouth. The list is endless…
    The last time i saw him, he came to “help” me with the shopping and as we got back home and i was feeding the baby, he made me a coffee which he drugged. I layed on the floor, unable to get up and managed to get the phone to call emergency services. He just stood in the hallway, looking at me with his arms crossed, leaving the baby alone in the dinning room. When the police and ambulance came, he rushed outside to meet them. I could hear him faintly describing me as a horrible woman who was doing everything in her power to stop him from seeing his son, that i was abusive, manipulative, a drunk, promiscuious being….. i was fighting to keep awake, i was petrified, not knowing what was happening to me and my body. He further said to the police that i had mental health issues, that i was under a lot of stress and basically “loosing it”. I spent 8 hours in Accident and Emergency and as the drugs wore off, was able to go home to my children who were being looked after by my neighbour.
    He never phoned to ask how i was, he just went home to his place as though nothing happened. He only called 2 weeks later to ask to see his son.
    This ordeal was the best thing that could have happened in a sense…. i had to receive the biggest lesson to see clearly just how far the man would go to get what he wanted. I know his intentions are to take the little one away from me but this will never happen. He is now having to go to a supervised contact centre to visit his son and this is just how it will have to be from now on. I have regained that strength which i thought had left me so long ago. I am now able to stand up to him and not let him manipulate me and play with my life anymore. I know it is early day but i feel greater energy each day that passes without him putting me down or hurting me the way he use to.
    I now feel SO liberated and can’t wait for the future!

  6. LA says:

    Abusers prey on women that are going through possible rough times. I met my recent abuser during divorce from emotionally abusive husband. The constant attention after being ignored for years allowed him to take over me. Recently was able to finally get the more recent verbal/emotional abuser out of my life after way too long of giving chance after chance. He went out with another woman for one week. She contacted me – he scared her to death after one date. She said she threatened to call police on him, so he stopped bothering her! Sad thing is this woman is 15 years younger than me and obviously has good self-esteem and sense to run him off quickly! The signs are obvious – do not get entangled.

  7. Barbara says:

    I’ve been checking out the comments on various parts of this site. My observation: there are about six posts on this topic alone, which are describing situations where women have been abused by their partners. And, so far as I can tell, no comments on this page yet from religious professionals (with the possible exception of Cindy Grimes; she may possibly fall into that category). Doesn’t it tell us something that the most comments are from those grappling with the horrors of domestic abuse?

    This site, God bless it, has been set up mainly to educate pastors and other religious professionals. Yet the people reading and commenting seem mostly to be survivors of domestic abuse, or their distraught supporters like the mother BJ Borror.

    Where are the religious professionals? This site was set up for them. Why aren’t they reading and commenting more?

    IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING TO THE VICTIM-SURVIVORS? (apart from other victim-survivors, and the few religious professionals who HAVE heard their cries)

    Where are the majority of the religious professionals? Why are they so quiet? Aren’t they supposed, before God, to be addressing the injustice of abuse in general, and of domestic abuse in particular since there are clearly so many hurting victims of domestic abuse out there, who are pouring out their anguish all over the web, wanting balm, wanting vindication, wanting to be told “It was not your fault; you were not to blame.” Wanting to be no longer treated as invisible.

    These are rhetorical questions; I could suggest answers to them myself. I don’t really want others to proffer answers to my WHY questions. I just want more Christian leaders to step up to the plate (as they are so keen to preach, when exhorting the fellas to be Valiant Men) and I want them to get going on this issue. We, the victim-survivors and the few in leadership who HAVE become our allies, are waiting and wanting you to pick up the ball. It’s in your court.

  8. jake says:

    I have been in a 10 month relationship that has recently ended. It now seems to me tha we were both emotionally abusing one another for a while.

    What I have noticed with the information around, and this site is no different. Men are always condidered the perpatrators. This sexist and bias view empowers the women regardless of their sins.

    My ex used many of the tactics described above that uses HE/HIS to describe the actions.

    just a thought to ponder

  9. Diana says:

    What people don’t understand is that no one can spot an abuser, it took me 3 years to recognize my now ex as an abuser. It started out with him just undermining everything my opinion and how I felt about anything didn’t matter, then it started with ridicule to name calling and destroying the apartment by punching holes in the wall, from there it progressed into choke slamming me and threatening me. The straw that broke the camels back was when he was so disrespectful towards me in front of his friend, I became angry back and wouldn’t stand for it anymore and just ripped right into him in front of his friend I didn’t care. After his friend left, he called me a bitch, a cunt, and a slut and accused me of wanting to sleep with his friends and threw ramen noodles in my face. I was so degraded and miserable that a couple of times I tried to take my own life, yet God delivered me and it started when the next day I asked him I said “God my life is not getting any better, could you show me a way out? I’ll accept any answer you give me, I just had enough.” and as plain as someone standing behind me I heard “It’s time for you to leave him, and go down to your Uncles for a little while rest your mind. I won’t let you go through this anymore.” So I moved my stuff out that following weekend and I moved 2 1/2 hours away 2 weeks later. It’s been a month since I broke up with him, and everyday is a little bit easier and the pieces are slowly being put back together.

    My power was slowly eroded away to the point where I surrendered total control of my life to someone that wanted to destroy it. I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my health was declining to the point where my body was not absorbing the nutrients from the food, my weight was up and down, and I was getting old before my time. I have yet to enter counciling though, I will when I move back home.

  10. SAlly says:

    I was the victim for 11 long years. His family and church kept telling my it was my fault because I lied, lied! After all I must have done something to make him believe I lied like I did. When I was gone for more than 30 minutes to the store, when I was late picking the kids up from school, when I tried to hide 5 dollars for his birthday present I was a liar. Yes there were times I lied to keep him from being angry with me, yes I even admitted to lying to keep from being punished. He would wake me up in the middle of the night asking me how I could sleep knowing I lied, many times I confessed not knowing the lie I was confessing to. I was told “if you are submissive and obey him he won’t treat you bad or you must being doing something to make him act that way, it’s not his fault, you make him drink”.
    Nothing was as grievous as my lying. Not his drug abuse, alcoholism, refusal to work or the domestic violence warrants I had to take out when his drinking put me in danger. But you see I lied about that too. No man as good as him, one of God’s anointed would endanger his wife, she must be lying. Just like the 2 wives before me. The police must have been lying too when they arrested him. Many times when told he was a preacher he was not arrested for DUI but given to a family member to drive him home. The Christian councilor we saw drew me aside after our 3rd session and told me he did not approve of divorce but that in this case I should consider it before I was harmed. This was before he knew about my being choked, hit with beer bottles and pushed down a flight of stairs.
    Now his church has sanctioned his 4th marriage before the ink was dry on our divorce papers. From the pulpit he preached how he and his new bride spent 200 hours getting to know each other on the phone. Funny, he forgot that I was the one paying the phone bill. I consider it a small price on my part but what about her?

    • Jack Ronald says:

      Vow, what a strange story to hear. Really you suffered and did what was Godly from your part but First of All you should not consider him as a Man of God. If he was drinking and hiting you. I have the same story in my marriage but it is my wife doing the same and people don’t believe me as she is a co-minister with me. she is so suspicious that me being a pastor can’t even talk to the members of my Church alone. As for abuse, emotional, physical and verbal you name it and it is there but i am just living with her since 25 years cauz i think it will ruin my ministry if i leave. specially now she has discovered some romantic Inbox message on FB which i sent to the one of our church members. I have no clue from where they came. Now i am blackmailed every day that if i dont submitt to her then these will be given to the church and my family too. Don’t know what to do. Any Suggestions?

      • Rae says:

        I don’t know much about abuse, only that it ruins people’s lives and weakens them or makes them bitter. In your situation the only thing I can think of is going to Christian marriage counseling, together. Definitely pray, alone and with people who will support you no matter what. God can do anything, but we leave it up to Him what to do. Maybe the messages are from a hacker, that has happened to several people I know. Their facebook was hacked and weird messages or links show up randomly. It should go away soon, maybe email facebook’s leaders for insight.
        Submission I don’t think means doing whatever the other person wants, regardless of what’s good or true. Normally and ideally you do need to be in agreement and work with each other, but she isn’t respecting you or herself or your family at all, so submitting to her won’t help. It sounds like she struggles in her heart and mind with a lot of things, so she needs some help too. I encourage you not to leave her but seek help from God’s people to help you heal and her and your family. I will keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps.

  11. clare says:

    I too have come out of an 11 1/2 year abusive marriage although strangely, for most of it, I would n’t have described it abusive. I truly believed that if only I tried harder, I could make things all right. My husband had unpredictable mood swings that once erupted would involve him calling me all sorts of terrible names, breaking things that belonged too me, or smashing things in the house, then refusing to speak to me for days, other than to call me terrible things when I was in ear shot. If anything went wrong, it was always my fault and up to me to sort out, no matter what it was. In arguments I would always have to accept responsibility even if it wasn’t my fault. He would say that I enjoyed arguing otherwise I wouldn’t do it. He said that I needed to learn how to control his behaviour- that it was because of me he behaved the way he did. I was not allowed my own opinion – I could not disagree as this would drive him into a rage. He would constantly criticise me and my work in my job. He would tell me I was no good. He would say that I needed help and that I had mental health issues or that I should be locked up. He made it difficult for me to see my family or friends. He would cancel or pull out of social events that I organised. I did not know many of his friends – some of whom he went on holiday with on more than one occasion. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home but wouldn’t let me know.He would order me around and demand that I did things for him. If this wasn’t to his satisfaction, he would become very angry. He would spend a lot of time in his study and I was not meant to disturb him. He was not interested in me sexually but had an obsession with internet pornography. He would punish me by not speaking, degrading, making me feel guilty etc until I was reduced to tears and then he would hold me as though I had been forgiven for my dreadful behaviour. He said that people didn’t really like me and that the people I thought of as friends were not really friends. He accused me of being too middle-class and that I needed to abandon my roots. He managed all finances and made no financial contribution to the running of the home- all money came from my account which he managed. I was not allowed to explore or practice my religious beliefs as this was a sign of my insanity and he would become very nasty. He became violent towards me on a few occasions- dragging me by my hair and banging my head against a wall, kicking me and kicking and pushing me out of bed.

    When I reflect on this, I wonder now that I have left, why I din’t see this as an abusive relationship, but I didn’t. I just thought I needed to try harder. We were together for almost 18 years. I am now in my early forties, alone and childless- which although, I am glad no children were involved, feel desperately sad that for me it is all too late.

  12. Jon says:

    I’d like to follow up on Jake here, that when people say ‘emotional abuse’ it’s as though the victims can only be female and it’s men who are abusing.

    Guys can be abused too.

    As a guy, I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood into my early 20s by my mom. The 1st 10 years I don’t remember, blacked it out, but I remember it from my teens. My mom was verbally abusive — she’d frequently say “you should have been abortioned” (first time when I was 11), “you’re not good enough”, “you’re always a failure”, “you have no hope”. She was so changeable that one minute she was nice, the next ugly, you’re in constant fear, not knowing what face to trust. And no, she never said sorry for what she said or did.

    My dad was indifferent to the whole thing, at work 6 days a week, but whenever he lost his temper over the littlest things he used to take it out on me. I would be slapped in the face for crying or for showing emotion. But then later he’d say afterwards “it’s all in the family way”, his bullshit way of guilting me, that this is what dads were ‘meant to do’. I used to feel terrified of coming home from school and unsafe the whole time while in the house with them both.

    I was never emotionally supported, guided or nurtured at all by my parents. Had to do it myself, and do it badly too because what does a teenage boy with destroyed self-esteem know about raising and nurturing himself? I’m in my 30s now and still haven’t gotten my life act together. Friends come and go and the lovers I attract are like my mom, so I’ve chosen to be single forever and have been for 5 years now. I also haven’t got anybody to talk to about all this, people so readily dismiss it, so I feel alone a lot. And even when I’m alone, I beat myself up that I don’t have the loving family or emotional support everyone else has.

    Being emotionally abused never goes away, no matter your coping techniques or understanding it wasn’t your fault or even confronting your parents. Nothing can remove the feeling that your life was stolen from you. Nothing can delete the belittlement and the rage that goes with it. And believe me, I work hard at rebuilding my esteem and learning to love myself.

    It takes all my strength not to kill myself though. I’ve thought more about this in recent days. Suicide feels like the only thing that will give me peace and freedom.

    • Harvey says:

      Dear Jon,
      I truly hope someone has been sent by our Loving Father to keep you from harming yourself! I aksi hope & pray you are okay.

      I applaud you for your transparency & resonate with your present feelings of feeling alone & orphaned.

      I am enrolled in a core study at a tech school I’m attending & today just completed an awareness lesson on recognizing victims of abuse: emotional &/or physical &/or sexual. It wasn’t an easy study with my holding my breath & my shoulders hunched up around my ears. Yes. Me too.

      I decided to go on-line to search recovery sites and, as an active Christian, wanted to choose only a Christian recovery site, happened to open this one……I have made the same decision you have regarding relationships because I have gotten into one abusive one after another. After awhile I begin to see parallels in behavior similar to my mother, my step-mother or my dad. It’s like I’m watching somewhere outside of myself & can see the obvious but felt so frustrated that there was no apparent cure, save for the solo lifestyle.

      I too have felt that suicide was a possible answer but God saved me from that & I promised Him I wouldn’t & that I would learn to trust in Him, to wait on Him & believe that He would teach me the love I didn’t know, & that He would heal me. It’s a process that is coming to fruition. I also pray to not hurt anyone else because of what I have suffered. I was recently lead to a book on co-dependency & one on boundaries…..all helpful. NOTE: I know it’s unfair that we ended up having to raise ourselves, Jon, but it is what it is. In a way, it’s pretty cool too. We probably know ourselves better than a lot of people do & God can take what was meant for evil & turn it into good.
      I also listen to Moody Radio’s teachers (a national radio broadcast out of Chicago) to learn about God. It isn’t & wasn’t His design for us to be cruel to each other.

      Suicide is not the way to peace and freedom but Christ is. Hold onto Him, Jon, & He will show us the way out of bondage & we can encourage others along the way. I am praying for you!

  13. Giana says:

    I have been out of my relationship for a year. I loved this guy so much that I wanted to be with him all the time, told him come live with me, he told me that he was so in love with me, was gonna marry me.
    Like any relationship you have your ups and downs. He would always be late, not 10 or 15 minutes late it was and hour plus late. Every time I would ask him where are you he would yell at me, but if I were 5 minutes late he would be texting me calling me where the hell are you. He never wanted to do anything I suggested and if I went out with my friends (which was not often) he would text and call me all night. When I would do that to him, I got no response. He is very manipulative and I would call him out on it and he couldn’t stand that. He was telling me I was going out all the time when I wasn’t, it was him, but he tried to make me believe I was. There is so much I can say but trying to keep this short. I finally broke up with him. During this time I found out that he cheated on me, lied to me, said horrible lies about me the whole entire time we were together….then I realized…how INSECURE he is, WEAK he is and what a PRICK he is…..and he will NEVER CHANGE!

    • Kassie says:

      Look up the definition of Sociopath. You will be shocked and you will wonder why his picture is not next to the definition. I was married to one for 16 years. And once I figured him out….I ran and I ran as far and as fast as I could. I have not seen or spoken to him in 3 years. What a blessing, what a wonderful gift.

  14. faith says:

    This is the best explanation I have gotten on the inner talk regarding abusive situations and innertalk of the abusers. Very enlightening especially as I struggle to break from abusive childhood and the vicious cycle of abuse I have been experiencing in my life. I have been seeking to break from this cycle and this site is great as it has assisted me to be able to identify all the abusive I have received and now I pray to God to give me strength to break away completely. This will be a manual I will use to notice all the abusive signs and therefore know what to do to break away. God bless you mightly for such revelation.

  15. Candace cole says:

    I have had an off and on again relationship with my ex fiancé we are now off because I chose not to give into his manipulation anymore and also after being with him on and off for a total of 8yrs we got pregnant which I thought was a blessing because It was my first and probably last chance since I turned 39 and what did he do?, he left claiming I had ruined his life and that when we were together those last couple of months we were just working out our relationship we weren’t really together and that he wasn’t sure he wanted me then so now if I had a child he wasn’t going to stay!!:( so I said to go ahead and leave me then if that’s your choice but please be happy for me and I will make it on my own … I have only heard from him for blood work when I was 4 months along and then again at 33 weeks (71/2 months) along he gave me a gift for my baby at my work and said call me when your at the hospital that I want to be there but I don’t want to be with you anymore because he is seeing someone new just to be in His
    child’s life. I’m very sad for all of us but I feel abandoned and alone I can’t believe still that he chose to leave and is now seeing someone else too .

    • Bette says:

      Oh Candace…..my heart breaks for you. The hardest part may be that you need to believe and accept that he has left, come back, left and is seeing someone else. Also believe and know it’s not your fault. It seems he is doing the best he can. He doesn’t know how or isn’t capable of performing in a responsible situation. We can be empathetic toward that in them but it is not our role to enable them, to try & teach them, to believe we can love them to the point of being able to exercise vulnerability & responsibility. In other words, it will be in your and your baby’s best & healthiest interest to let go and let God take care of him as well as take care of you. You need healing & support especially since you are soon to become a mother who I know will love & cherish this new creation. As best you can, surround yourself with nurturing people, places, things and talk with God about everything. May you feel His presence at all times. May you feel His love & peace that passes all understanding. May we all heal & know true love & that it begins with Christ & is born & nurtured from within. Another website you might like, Candace, is “Healing From Emotional Abuse”. God bless you, Sweet Mommy.

      • Jean says:

        Well I hope that this time this submits, because the last time my message did not submit. All o99f you women are a lot further ahead of a lot of people.Our generation i sthe first generation to even acknowledge mental abuse.I say, put the word out about what mental abuse is and what the affects of mental abuse are.Maybe sometime in the near future there will be a law against mental abuse. People have got to realize that mental abuse is just as bad or worse than any other type of abuse.I think all of you are courageous for sharing your situations wit us.That is one way to help you deal with it..I also recommend reading books on mental abuse.There are so many people suffering the way you are or have suffered the way you have.
        I myself am in a bad situation. My hsuband begged me to come back to him after I left him in June of this year.I finally moved back in with him and he rarely shows me any love and sometimes he ignores me all day long.And sometimes when he does show me love, persay by holding me, he will suddenly move away from me as if he does not want anything to do with me.It is heart wrenching. It is nothing like it was befor when I mer him.He made sure I knew I was the love of his life.He always paid attention to me.But I know soon I will do something about the situation I am in. If I have to leave him and talk to him about divorce him, then I geuss I will.The only reason I went back to him and am staying with him is because I want him to realize that there have been a bunch of assholes that have interferred in our relationship to break us up.

  16. Diane says:

    All of the comments above seem to be about domestic/partner abuse. I was emotionally abused by my mother as far back as I can remember. Then I got married to an abuser… It was all I knew. I’m now in my early 40′s and finally getting the help I need. I suffer from PTSD because of all the abuse. I am still angry, but I’m trying to work through it with the Lord. Anyway, I just wanted to share my comment.

    • Kristi says:

      I know how you feel, I have been verbally abused by my step father for a decade now, and my mother is almost just like him now, I don’t have that motherly touch, or that mom where I can go to with anything… I don’t have that at all and my mother is the reason why I got abused all these years, he hit me a couple times even when I was pregnant with my son… but its always a sorry the next day and ill change blah blah blahh but he never does…he drinks every day all day till night time when hes had 30 beers he starts to get real mean and abuses everyone that steps foot in this house..im 25 now with a son and I still live with my mother and step father and everyone else including my mother make me feel like im this crazy bitch but that’s all I know…my grandmother raised me till she died of cancer when I was 16 so from a couple yrs before that till this day I have been verbally and physically abused by him and no one has any sympathy for me or anything, no one to talk to nothing. so it makes me feel like im crazy for the way iam and the way I react and act on a daily basis …I don’t know what to do but to just live with it. But im here just trying to be the best mom I can be and maybe live a normal,happy life with my family but I think im too damaged to ever be happy and normal… when I think about it i just wanna cry because i feel so bad for myself because no body does but here iam i put on that fake smile like nothing is wrong and deal with it all..and go on day by day wishing and hoping that there isn’t a bad night or anything bad at all…im lost i guess and act like none of this ever happened just like my mother and step father does so why not me??? why should i feel pitty for myself if not even my own mother or family do?? its sad but i know how you feel, i swear i have PTSD myself but nobody seems to wanna believe or actually put there feet in my shoes and realize what i have been thru, isn’t pretty and its bad and a serious matter but that will never happen for me…i just gutta deal with it on my own and act like its all okay….

  17. Sweethonesty says:

    I realize that many have been the victim of a manipulating controller. But, I’d like to add that sometimes
    people (usually men, but not always) simply have that type of personality from the start. They are born with it. Thing is, usually these type of people are attracted to (and visa-versa) meek, gentle people. It’s the old opposites attract story. Sometimes (yet, I realize not always) it’s a matter of one of these personalities bringing out the worst in the other. When the controller personality is in full swing, the meek and gentle begin to cower. And, when this happens, the controller person sees the weakness in the meek and gentle person even more and it causes the controller to pull away. This, in turn, develops more insecurity in the meek and gentle. Remember, however, that no one is attracted to someone who is insecure. We are all attracted to confidence. Although many meek and gentle feel that the controller deliberately tries to be-little them and break them down, actually it’s just their personality. (Although it’s not very becoming.) As the meek and gentle person, you have GOT to stay in control of your feelings, keep your own interest, be loving, but don’t be a push-over. DO NOT allow your feelings of insecurity and obligation to your partner to overshadow your well-being. I am not saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship. But, if you will ponder what I’ve said, you will be able to determine whether or not the characteristics of your partner are simply his/her God-given character, OR, on the other hand, whether he/she is abusive. Also, remember that (typically) most everyone gets in shouting matches and name calling. Those who haven’t are the fortunate few. This doesn’t necessarily mean there is abuse. (If it get’s physical…that’s another story.) But, shouting and name calling generally means that there are some tempers getting fueled and they are exploding. Let me end by saying, God loves you. He created you as you are for a purpose…as well also your partner. Learn to obtain your needy affirmation from your Maker. Make a good friend to go out with for coffee, window shopping, and some girl time once or twice a month. If your partner gets fueled negatively by these simple acts of womanhood, then you could well have a controller or just a jealous partner. Sometimes, a little non-predictable behavior from you is healthy. Don’t lose yourself and don’t let anyone else take you away from you. God Bless! He loves you! You are Wonderfully Made!

    • Bette says:

      Sweethonesty I like your perspective that the controller personality is born (or may I suggest evolves into in addition to genetics?) like that. I also can see where the power dynamics come into play; however, I believe your suggestions to the meek and gentle person (whom may also be born this way & evolve into this personality) to “…stay in control of your feelings, keep your own interest, be loving, but don’t be a push-over. DO NOT allow your feelings of insecurity and obligation to your partner to overshadow your well-being….” is unreasonable. Have you considered that we struggle with this daily? By listing out your “solution” you are in essence stating that it’s simple—-just do it. Like telling an active drug or alcohol abuser or an overweight person to just stop…..As if we can purchase self-love, confidence, realign the powers yet not be controlling off the pharmacy shelf, ingest and be alright. Even if we could do that so simply then what about the Controller? Are all your “needy affirmations” obtained from your Maker? May I suggest that you offer to pray for all the meek (which is power under control, by the way) and gentle ones to learn to love themselves & perhaps that is what the Controller personality needs also. We are in agreement that God is the answer.

      • Sweethonesty says:

        Hi Bette. I’ll just say “Wow” to your response. No, you are quite wrong. You are implying that I conclude that we just “purchase self-love, confidence, realign the powers yet not be controlling off the pharmacy shelf, ingest and be alright”. I’m no different from any other reader on here or else I wouldn’t be on here. I struggle just the same. However, there comes a point in which we all have to square our shoulders and make some decisions on how we are going to live the rest of the life we have. There’s not another chance at life, and it gets shorter every day. We can either choose to stay in the rut or choose to paddle up-stream towards change. Do we “FEEL” like taking on CHANGE? Absolutely not. But, our feelings are often times our enemy. Affirmation is an addiction and one that kills emotions and relationships. Although I, as a needy person, would like for my husband to grovel after me and blow sunshine at me 24/7…guess what? It’s not going to happen. Yes, we are in agreement that God is the answer. But, He’s not going to send a lightening bolt down and “wallah” the situation is resolved and now there’s rainbows and butterflies. He gives us a free will and the ability to make choices. I, for one, am choosing to GET UP out of my rut make a change in myself and my life for the better and not depend on the constant affirmation from someone who’s not going to give it in order for me to love myself. My hope is that you and other needy people as myself will begin facing life head on and do the same. It’s time to start loving yourself again! Meekness + Gentleness does not = Doormat.
        I just heard Joyce Meyer comment this morning on meekness: “Meek is not Weak. Meekness is Strength in Control.” Now, you can sit there in front of your computer waiting for the change that will never come, or you can get up, get yourself prettied up, and go out and do something you enjoy and make a difference in your day. Better yet, go make a difference in someone else’s day. THAT’S where you’ll really start seeing the change in yourself.

    • Ruby Chatman says:

      I would like to say that it’s true, while people may have certain personalities, I don’t necessarily believe it’s just that they have been born with it. Many people go through things that may cause them to be a certain way. My ex is a type 1 diabetic and so his mother really watched him closely. His mother was pretty dominant. I saw an interaction with him and his mother jumping on the case of his dad about whether or not a dish was microwavable. His father’s face turned bright red. I know my ex did not want to be controlled, because he had been controlled his whole life. Now me, I was abused as a child and timidity was in my system, but when it came to standing up to my ex, I didn’t shout back, but I did say something. That’s when he would turn things back around on me and call me insecure. He is white and “joked” calling my hair nappy. When I said I didn’t like it, he said it was a joke and I was insecure. If he didn’t like when I’d do something, I could very easily apologize.

      I definitely think that people who aren’t as controlling need to be sure to be assertive, but I also believe we need to learn to leave and not try to wait on anyone to change, especially if it’s someone who can never apologize.

  18. Michael says:

    I need to speak up for the men out there who have been thru this type of abuse. God bless & thanks for info.

  19. Roxanne says:

    Hello my name is Roxanne

    I am in a very long nightmare that seems to never end, this relationship has had every form of abuse that there is, Nothing I do or say is right, I cant cook right, I cant do laundry right, the house is to clean it smells like a hospital i stop cleaning and its not clean enough, the public humiliation is what hurts alot yelling things off the front steps for all neighbours to hear, the worst things imaginable, the physical abuse never happens its all in my head, I stay in a room now and hardly ever come out dont know what to expect from him if i do come out, i feel like i have lived in a cage and poked with a stick everyday, my nerves are shot, i am so emotional, if someone walks up quietly behind me at work or in a store i jump out of my skin and shake. He puts me down to everyone, belittles me, degrades me, embrasses me,, He tells me my grown son from another relationship is his son not mine. If i try to say anything he cuts me off and i never get a full sentence out, he wants me to own nothing, i worked so hard for my new car, and he smashed into it, he never would come for a drive in it, if we went out we would have to take his dirty truck, i bought myself a convertible sports car, but he has taken the joy out of that to, tried to plant a flower garden and he ripped them out and put them in the garbage. Oh i could keep telling you things but im sure you get the just of this.

    He treats everyone else with respect and will give them anything they need, the public thinks he is a great person, but they dont know the evil side of him, he is the loudest in a conversation, he talks the most, no one can get a word in edge wise. Its a all about him world.

    I am really trying hard to figure out how to get out of this nightmare for once and for all, and when he comes with the i love you letters and the i am sorrys, its not going to work this time, i have to save whats left of my life. I cant seem to breath i feel like i am smoothering and i cant think clear, sometimes the thought of the only peace i am ever going to have in this life is when they shut the lid on my coffin.

    Sometimes i ask why does god hate me, why would he not help me out of this, why has so many evil people come into my life, why does everyone believe his lies.

    Roxanne

    aka… Broken

  20. Lynda says:

    The verbal and emotion abuse our controlling abusive spouse can inflict so much damage to us that we suffer from wounds no one can see; because the pain of rejection and abandonment goes deep into our mind, our hearts, spirit and soul that we die a little each time they rage, manipulate and deride us leaving us with an overwhelming sense of failure, uselessness and we seem so unworthy unlovable and unwanted. Over time we get covered with a blanket of hopelessness and are so weighed down by disappointments and that deep pain in the heart that won’t go away and couldn’t heal no matter what we try. We are so ridden with guilt, shame and even anger that its so hard to draw near to God though we know deep in us He loves us unconditionally because our marriage and life experiences seem to shout louder than God’s voice.

    The saddest thing is that this matter of domestic ‘violence” and abuse is never spoken of, and so many continue holding on to a form of religion, because deep down they know God loves them and He cares for them unlike their earthly spouse who only demands respect and submission but continue to ride roughshod over their wives whom they are called to love. Sadly even some in the healing ministries load those seeking help with more guilt when they perceive the abused spouse to be responding in unforgiveness, self-righteousness when these are trapped in the continual ever turning wheel of abuse, forgiveness and then comes another cycle of abuse. After many many years we hurt so much that we struggle to forgive because we hurt so so much deep inside our very being.

  21. Nina says:

    My x was very emotionally abusive to me, undermining me as a person and a parent, he used to play mind games and intaganise me by making me get jelous. he constantly blames me for everything and he threatened me and strangled me telling me i was going to die,
    i left him but now he is fighting me in the courts for residence but also social are involved they placed her on a child protection because they say were fighting and shes in the middle. but they cant see what he is actually doing, hes using parentialisation and he is a naccasist. he has coasted her into drawing pictures of me smacking her and thats after all year of telling her to tell social i’m smacking her, she told me she has to do what daddy says or he will be angry, sad or kill her. shes frightened of not doing what he says and shes too frightened to tell social, but they just dont understand and are saying shes telling the truth and beleive i’m smacking her. i have only just got a solicitor and the social want to take her into care so they can investigate us, i am frightened that they still wont see whats happening and she wont be returned. shes only 6 and shes always lived with me, i want to protect her from his eemotional abuse but the system is not allowing me as he has parential rights and it’s really hard to prove what is happening. he trys to find anything he can and makes it exaggerated to make me look bad. At the moment he has her living with him for the last 2 weeks and in that time she apparantly now says she hates me and i smack her all the time and she want to live with him as he is taking her out everyday and buying her expensive presents. But before she went to his she was asked what makes her happy and she said mummy, she also said she wants to live with me.
    social worker is on his side and he is absolutely hopeless he wont investigate him and just says he don’t know who to believe…
    should i change him? i dont have a solicitor until we go to court on the 24th may and they are going to ask for care proceedings. I think maybe thats good as he wont be able to manipulate her anymore but so scared i dont want to lose her, i don’t have any faith or trust in social

  22. Jill G says:

    Hello I too was in a abusive relationship with a man for three years. Looking back now I saw all the red flags but I thought that my friendship and love would enable him to change. He was controlling,self centered,unemotional, and un affectionate. He was also quite different in public than when at home.He also had. HIV but yet I was there to support him when he had little concerned for me. During our relationship I left him twice before for his vicious words that cut through me like a knife but only to return.The situation got worse as I began to hit him every time I heard I heard a harsh word leave his mouth.I soon realized I was worth more and left for good and I am still healing from his words and my actions in return.He is a 56 year old man now living with a twenty year old and her child I feel and fear for her because I hope he told her of his status and hopes she sees him a lot sooner than I did.

  23. Kristi says:

    Well here goes nothing, maybe one person that reads my story will actually believe me or be on my side or understands me or maybe just comfort me just a little bit. It all started when I was around 13 years old, when I still lived with my grandmother ( who raised me till she died of cancer when I was 16 which iam now 25) so that’s when it all really started. I would go up to my mothers mostly every weekend to be able to hang out with my friends up there and then the nights came, when I got home my mother and stepfather would be both drunk or high off crack or cocaine, acting like little children and screaming and yelling at each other and throwing things, smashing things, to the point where this was a every night thing well atleast when I was there and of course the cops where there mostly every other night and threaten to take us kids away. Then my grandmother got really sick with cancer ( who the only person that really loved me and knew who I was and believed in me) and months later I had to go live with my mother and alcoholic mean step father because my grandmother was dieing and could not take care of me and my brother anymore and couple months after that she died and that was the hardest thing I ever had to go thru was loosing her because sometimes I just ask myself what if she never died, I wouldn’t be in this position iam in. After that my life just went down hill for the worst, I dropped outta school still dealing with the fighting and screaming and things getting thrown and smashed and him verbally abusing my mother and the cops in and out So I went towards doing bad drugs, and stealing ETC. then when the nights came all of a sudden it was my turn to be verbally abused and sometimes hit by my mean drunk step father …it was always Kristi this and Kristi that shes nothing but a fucking LOSER just like you are Karen oh man I can sit here for days and tell stories and tell what he has said to me and said about me and one night I stepped up and said something and then it would turn into him going after me hitting me or grabbing me by my throat and saying u fucking bitch.im a cunt, im a loser, blah blahh blah and the cops were still always there and never once would I press charges because I was afraid my mother would kick me out or whatever because she was just so in denial to me. but she would try to stick up for me or shut him up while I would be in my room crying hysterical and thinking of ways to kill myself and hating God for taking my nana away and putting me thru this. While all still grieving about my grandmother so that’s when the drugs got bad and that’s really when I felt my best is when I got high, its like I would drown out my sorrows and everything else thru getting high and as time went by the nights got even worse. I felt like I had to walk on egg shells all the time or I would go to bed hungry or wouldn’t go to the bathroom because then I would have to see him or be afraid something would happen or he would say something to me. Then I met my soon to be boyfriend when I was 17 so I kinda lived with him here and there and for once I felt normal to be out of that house. But nights at that house I would just cry and cry and think of ways to kill myself and it was always im sorry the next day and my mom would be fine with it. and this kept going for years then we moved away to another state I was 20 at the time and single after breaking up with him and going out with another one and breaking up with them etc etc and then I had no friends to get outta the house or a car or license too so it got even worse…Honestly I can sit here all day and write a book of what ive been thru but it was always him drinking all day till night time came and then boom he would snap and turn into this meeeaan asshole and abuse everyone ..it would either be me or my brother or my mother and always the next day it was im sorry and his sweet side came out and he would always say I guttta stop blah blah blahhh and my mom would believe it and again she would be fine with him…kissing him,hugging him, talking to him like he was never this evil abusive alcoholic man. Then I came across an old friend and we soon went out and me and him have our past, which led to one night him straggling me and throwing me around like a rag doll and I ended up getting him in the arm with a knife because nights before this he would do the same thing till I felt threaten and it lead me and him in jail I had a 10,000 cash bail and in jail for 2 weeks and got out and am still paying for my lawywer and then I got pregnant and had to move back into my moms house again and then it all started again, while I was pregnant he would start and one night hit me and thru things at me while I was pregnant with my son and never once called the cops. and around this point I finally realized that I have been verbally abused by my step father and my mother is allowing this by still keeping him around and now im 25 emotionally damaged, no one cares about it, no one really knows or believes what I have been thru and what I go thru and still till this day he has his nights where he says my bf is a loser and I should of never had my son blah blahblahh and I always question does my mother even care about all this? because every time I would talk about it or bring it up she would get so mad and snap at me and act indenial ..after my nana passed away I lost that motherly loving touch and had to live with this god awful man and my mother who kept this guy around and would go thru this still after a decade of it…and here iam thinking im crazy cause of the way I act because my mother is almost just like him and sticks up for him when im stilling here trying to be the best mother I can, questioning am I really crazy for how I feel and how I react to this all? because not one person understands or is there for me when I have been in a serious situation because he acts like such a nice guy around others but is so mean and evil and abusive around the ppl under this roof and I feel like the only one that wants out and has had enough but then again ppl make me feel like im crazy… I don’t know, all of this is really hard to explain because a part of me tries to forget it all but I act like I have been really affected by it so I see my mother acting like nothing is wrong so I try and do the same and hope to God there isn’t another bad night and hope one day I can finally get outta here and start a normal,happy life with my family….but that just seems so far away and too much to ask for…Because remember, im the loser. :(

  24. Judith says:

    My name is Judith, I almost took my life because of my ex who left me and stop picking my calls. He said do not trust me anymore, I tried to convince him, but he will not believe me until we had a fight and broke up for 8months, after then I realize I can not live without him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed me and went away with my money until I came across this man called kabaka, he cast a spell for me and behold my ex came back after three days, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like kabaka still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact Dr. Check via his email: templeoflove1 at yahoo com.

  25. Jeanette says:

    I grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive family.
    My father was a violent alcoholic, and dabbled in drugs. In all points abusive to my mother including physical. He was verbally abusive to my twin sister and I. My mother is a very passive woman raised to believe that “men will be men” when it came to cheating, controlling, being superior. Pretty much calling all the shots. The women was to submit and put up with it. After all the bible teaches that wives are to submit to their husbands. My mother is a meek, passive woman. She is also a christian. Believers are to be long-suffering, peace makers, patient, kind, gentle etc. She was in torment but felt that because of her beliefs that she had to make the best of it. Also my dad threatened to kill her or take my sister and I away from her if she didn’t comply.
    I’m in my second marriage. The first ended in divorce after 8 years of abuse including physical. I have been married to my second husband for 24 years and it’s not good. We have had a very tumultuous marriage almost from the start. I live with a man who has a strong, high strung type A personality that can easily over-ride mine. We both were raised with christian upbringing. I thought that he would be the perfect guy. He is very honest in business and life in general. A very aggressive hard worker. Unlike my first husband he stays employed. This seems to be of upmost importance to him. Generous with helping his Mother, siblings and extended family with his time and money.
    With me and our kids, we experience constant angry outbursts, hard harsh standards, verbal lashings. He is frustrated and stressed much of the time. Other wise pretty much uninvolved.
    He cannot tolerate my having a different opinion. He tells me that I can’t think that way. I am just wanting to start an argument. I consider all sides of a situation trying to put my self in their shoes. He considers that as a bad thing. I’m always playing the devils advocate. He has told me hundreds of time that he doesn’t even believe me when I tell him that I feel a certain way. That there is no way I could feel that way. He won’t buy it now, tomorrow, next week or next year. I just want to be different. I just need to tell him i think differently than him just for the mere sake of it. That he honestly thinks that I just like to start a fight. I used to tell him we’re not fighting we just see it a little differently, we are having a discussion. Why are you calling it a fight. In truth he was right. It was a fight in his mind.
    He gets mad or frustrated and it quickly escalates into an angry fit. Yelling, waving his arms, pacing the whole bit. Blaming me that I just had to keep making my point. I won’t let it die. I just have to disagree with him for some reason. All the while he is doing most of the talking (yelling). I am trying to defend myself. Our four children used to run and hide or cry. I feel awful about that. I just didn’t know if they were better with him or without him. I still have a 16 year old daughter at home.
    He is critical, judge-mental and overbearing. Nothing we try to do together is fun. It’s the gripping and complaining about the traffic, the lines, the cost etc. that kills everything. The event is ruined for me before we get started. He walks way ahead of me when I mention this he says thats the way he is geared and that I need to speed up.
    There are so many specifics that I could mention, but I won’t .
    Is he abusive or am I just hyper-sensitive like he tells me. He echo’s what he says I feel. He can’t do anything right, He knows its not necessarily all of what he is saying it his delivery etc. etc.
    I’m unhappy and I know in my heart I’m not overly sensitive. I do have a much gentler spirit that him. I try to look at all sides and think the best or show grace. I have really tried to analyze our situation. And I feel that I have truly been and still am being treated unfairly. Please help me

  26. Bette says:

    Anyone who states that The Christian Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands, is taking the Word out of context! The teaching is “as a man submits to God”. It goes onto say that a man is to honor his wife and hold her in high esteem even as God loves and honors his bride, the Church. To stay in an abusive situation is not honoring God, yourself or what you were and are designed to give to the world. We are instructed to love our enemies and God’s enemies (those against peace, joy, love, wisdom, self-control, humility, etc.) We are not to stay in abusive or hateful situations. We are enabling the sinful nature, easily influenced by Satan, to be fueled by our very existance. Don’t take my word for this, read The Bible yourself and pray for God to show you the exit sign in bright red colors and go!

  27. katt says:

    My daughter recently got married and had two daughters with another husband who was abusive to them verbally and mentally. Now my granddaughter says her new stepfather is abusive the same way and my daughter is on board with this strategy of his to control her every move. I witnessed first hand and have talked to my daughter to no avail. She is in denial and thinks his way is better. He told my granddaughters that their grandmother is crazy and that my husband is in agreement. My husband was outraged at this and told my granddaughter it was a lie, that I was the sweetest wife hecould ever have and loved everyone. That he didn’t even know us to even make a judgement like that. My daughter doesn’t know I know what they are saying and doing. My gran is scared he will make her life worse. She is cutting herself and my daughter just gets mad. I love my family and don’t want to hurt them but I told my gran to get loose from them anyway she could. She is 17 years old and they threaten her if she leaves they will punish her strictly. She worries about her younger sister if she leaves. I told her we will have to work one problem at a time. Why would my daughter emotionally abandon her two kids from her . She had another daughter with this new husband and all I see are pics of her and her fantastic new life with this abusive man. He only abuses the two girls from her other marriage. Im sick to my stomach over this and know I will loose my daughter when I help my grandchildren. Any advice?

    • Kassie says:

      As someone who’s been through this I can tell you that nothing you say will change her mind. She will be with him until she actually sees him for what he is. He is controlling and munipulating every aspect of her life. She doesn’t even see it. He’s good at twisting things around so it’s always someone else’s fault. My advice don’t talk badly about him to her. Don’t give him ammo that could eventually end all contact with your daughter. Men like him are masters at what they do. Not bright or smart but masters at controlling and twisting thing. Call her talk to her about everything but him. But don’t refuse to talk with her if she brings him up. Stay in touch be there for her. Don’t ever let her think you’ve given up on her. Love her. I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering. She did not abandon her children. Just be there for her. You have no idea what is really going on between them. And she’s not going to tell you and risk that you might hate him. I will prey she sees him for who he is. Remember part of his control is isolating her. You might be the only person she actually has contact with.

  28. Sarah says:

    I have been married for almost 19 years but have been with my husband for 23 years. We have been together since high school. The abuse started 2 weeks into marriage with words but the physical soon started. It started with name calling and belittling. Not wanting to help do things saying it was my job. I always tried to make it better but only made it worse. A year and half into the marriage I wanted out but didn’t leave. He never really hit me until I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. He slapped me because I wanted him to help pack the house but he didn’t think he should. It just got worse from there. Name calling, pushing, punching. I left for 2 years. during that 2 years, we went to counseling and the physical abuse stopped. Now, he belittles and calls me names. There are times that I didn’t do things or go places because I didn’t want to have to deal with the silent treatment I received. If there was a movie or restaurant he wanted to see or try and I did it without him, I wouldn’t tell him. If he found out, he would ignore me for days. Now my oldest is hurt in the same way. He isn’t physical with him but is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive by ignoring him when he is upset with me. Now, I actually welcome the silence I get when he is angry with me. He still threatens me with violence but it hasn’t happened. He is in the honeymoon stage now but I know there will be something to set him off and the fighting and yelling will come again. I don’t back down anymore. I’m seriously contemplating leaving…
    what do I do?

  29. Kassie says:

    I am a survivor. What I’ve come to realize is that you can’t recover from emotional/verbal/mental abuse in a month or even a year. I was married to a sociopath for 16 years. It’s like being in prison you adapt and adjust to that way of life. Even after I divorced him, he still controlled and munipulated me. When I finally saw who he was and understood what he was and had been doing, that’s when things started to change. He was so good at what he did to me that there were times I didn’t even know how I’d gotten from pint a to point b. I felt like my head was spinning. I went from an abusive home to an abusive marriage. His reign of control ended in January 2011. I was at our meeting place for picking up and dropping off our son. He started off with some comments then he switched to anger and belittling and then finally he did his crocodile tears. But what he didn’t know was I grew a set of balls and I saw him as a pathetic excuse for a man. So when the tears came I couldn’t help but grin and laugh. That’s the moment he realized he couldn’t control me anymore. He saw I didn’t care. He saw I thought he was a joke but most of all he saw I was no longer weak, he saw I was confident. And because of those things he realized he couldn’t get anything from me…not even sympathy. That was the last time I spoke to him…the last time I saw him. There was nothing he could get from me there for I was of no importance. That was probably one of my best days lol. But like I said the damage can’t be reversed in a month. It’s been 6 years since I got my divorce. I think I spent the 1st year or 2 apologizing and I’m not talking sorry I bumped into you. I’m talking I’m sorry I sneezed apologies. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t keep my house in perfect sparkling condition any more either. But there’s stuff that still lingers. Like the types of clothes he said I looked terrible in and I still battle the social issues. He’d tell me people felt I was cold and unapproachable. I know those things are not true about me but I heard it for 16 years. It’s not easily forgotten. He kept me isolated. No car, no bank card, no cell phone and no friends. He’d go as far as making me write letters and end friendships. He’d twist and turn things around on me. I’m a survivor but I’m really in recovery. Looking back I now see he was not capable of love. When someone lives you they don’t cause you pain. In fact they will do anything to protect you from pain when they live you. He cheated and he cheated a lot and he never forgot to tell me every detail about his sex romps. In fact he was so sick he had sex with ex friends right in front of me. As I sat frozen and shocked and destroyed. The last woman he cheated with, he married and I thank her for giving me my life and freeing me from his grip. I hope they live happily ever after because now I know at least I’ll be happy and free.

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